Relationship Patterns | Why Do I Keep Ending Up in the Same Relationship?

people working on healing relationship patterns

In this blog post, Dr. Laura Riss, PsyD Savannah licensed psychologist is going to help you better understand why you keep ending up in the same relationship. She will also share how specific strategies in therapy can help you understand and change relationship patterns. Dr. Riss provides therapy in person as well as online throughout Georgia. She is also able to see clients in 40+ states, so you do not need to live in Savannah to work with her.

 

Attachment, Family of Origin Wounds, and Repeating Patterns in Relationships

Have you ever asked yourself, “Why do I keep attracting the same kind of person?” or “Why does every relationship end the same way?” Maybe you’ve noticed that even when you choose very different partners, the same dynamics tend to repeat. If you have noticed repeating patterns in relationships and that you seem to attract the same kind of person over and over again (sometimes in friendships as well) you are not alone. There are real psychological roots behind these patterns.

At the core of this struggle are two powerful forces: early childhood attachment and family of origin (FOO) wounds. These early experiences become imprinted in us and create a kind of invisible emotional blueprint that can guide, and sometimes hijack, our adult relationships.

 

Understanding Attachment: Our First Lessons in Love

There is a lot of research on attachment styles, co-regulation, and wounds and how they wire our nervous systems in ways that lead to repeated patterns of connection even when we believe we are trying for something different. From the moment we are born, we rely on our caregivers to meet our emotional and physical needs. Whether they were attuned and nurturing or inconsistent and unavailable, we learned important (and unconscious) lessons about love, safety, trust, and intimacy.

Attachment theory suggests that these early bonds become internalized and influence how we connect with others later in life. Some common attachment styles are as follows:

  • Secure Attachment: Formed when caregivers are consistently responsive overall. They may not always be perfectly attuned, but they are responsive and consistent more often than not. Adults with this style of caregiver/s tend to feel safe in relationships, trust others, and are able to set healthy boundaries.
  • Anxious Attachment: Often results from inconsistent caregiving which can be due to their own FOO wounds, physical or emotional illnesses or trauma among other things. Adults with this type of caregiver/s may crave closeness but fear abandonment, leading to clingy or overly intense relationships.
  • Avoidant Attachment: Stems from emotionally distant caregivers who are unavailable to respond to the child’s pleas or needs. Adults with this type of caregiver/s style may seem independent but often struggle with intimacy and vulnerability. Sometimes they are hyper-independent and experience closeness as a threat or did not learn to connect so they appear more aloof.
  • Disorganized Attachment: Rooted in trauma or chaotic early experiences where caregiver/s were unavailable, abusive, neglectful, or absent due to their own traumas. Adults with this type of caregiver/s may oscillate between craving closeness and fearing it, creating confusion and instability in relationships.

 

Family of Origin Wounds: The Hidden Scripts We Follow

In addition to our attachment styles, our families of origin (FOO) pass down emotional patterns, beliefs, and unspoken rules. Often, these are intergenerational messages based on survival responses and are often indirect messages, beliefs, and fears that are held in the unconscious or subconscious part of the mind and create “rule” to help live as a way of coping or adapting. The challenge is that these are often skewed to the negative and lead to inaccurate beliefs about self, others, and the world. These “wounds” might come from:

  • Emotional neglect (“My feelings don’t matter”) and therefore I “can’t express my emotions or needs” (rule)
  • Enmeshment (“I’m responsible for everyone else’s happiness”) and therefore I “must manage and caretake those around me” (rule)
  • Abuse or trauma (“Love is dangerous or unpredictable”) and therefore “I must do everything on my own and brace for the worst to happen (rule)
  • Parentification (“I had to be the adult”) and therefore “I cannot rely on others” (rule)

Even in less extreme circumstances, many of us absorb messages that shape our self-worth, boundaries, and what we believe we deserve in relationships. These messages get internalized when we are young and cannot access abstract reasoning to logic through the internalized wounds. Often people then grow up trying to be perfect or avoid or caretake and fall into mind traps such as all or none thinking, catastrophizing, judging and second guessing to name a few.

 

Why Do I Repeat the Same Patterns In Relationships

Here’s the tricky part: the unconscious mind craves familiarity—even if it’s painful. We are drawn, again and again, to situations and partners that mirror early dynamics, often in hopes of a different outcome as an attempt to “repair” or heal the wound. This is known as repetition compulsion—a psychodynamic term used to describe the drive to recreate the original wound to finally “get it right.” These are the patterns that feel familiar and show up in romantic relationships even when we believe we are intentionally seeking out a different kind of partner. They emerge because they are about our unconscious FOO wounds and a need to heal rather than the partner.

Some patterns we may repeat:

  • Someone with an emotionally unavailable parent may be drawn to distant partners, hoping this time they’ll finally feel seen or that they will be enough to earn love and connection.
  • A person who felt responsible for a caregiver’s emotions might unconsciously seek out partners who need rescuing or fixing feeling that they may need to serve a purpose in a relationship rather than be of value just as they are.
  • Someone who learned love means chaos might feel bored in a calm, stable relationship and create chaos or turmoil because calm and steady cannot be trusted.

 

How Therapy Can Help: Making the Unconscious Conscious

Therapy offers a compassionate space to explore early childhood relationship patterns and FOO dynamics and wounds without shame or blame. In working with a therapist clients begin to understand how their attachment history and FOO shaped their relationship dynamics, they can learn how to change these interpersonal dynamics and patterns. Healing begins with awareness and recognizing the links between childhood experiences and present-day relationship dynamics and there is hope for healing and growing.

Some therapeutic goals might include:

  • Identifying and healing early attachment wounds
  • Learning to set healthy boundaries
  • Developing emotional regulation and self-compassion
  • Practicing new ways of relating that align with current values—not past pain

Therapy (especially trauma-informed or attachment-based) helps clients uncover core wounds and find tools and strategies to create healthier relationship dynamics. Some ways in which therapy can help in healing are:

  • Inner child work: Is about learning to connect to the wounded parts of us. It is also about learning to connect with those parts with compassion. Additionally, inner child work is about learning to heal and meet unmet needs in a safe and nurturing way.
  • Reparenting ourselves: Is about providing the love, structure, and validation we didn’t receive as children. This might be done with inner child work or in present day narratives, situations and learning mindful self-compassion.
  • Choosing differently: Learning through healing, we can begin to make more conscious choices about the kinds of partners we pursue and how we show up in relationships.

 

A New Pattern In Relationships is Possible

Healing doesn’t mean erasing your history. Healing means learning how to respond differently to it. We can learn to bring awareness to our unconscious patterns and, in making our unconscious conscious, we can then pause, reflect, heal and choose relationship that support our growth rather than repeating FOO wounds and narratives. More importantly, we can learn to offer our wounded parts the validation, kindness, nurturance, emotion regulation, and compassion to truly heal from within.

If you find yourself stuck in familiar romantic cycles, there is hope: these patterns in relationships were learned, and they can be unlearned. Your story isn’t over—and you have the power to create a new narrative, rooted in awareness, empowerment and authenticity.

We offer therapy in Savannah as well as virtually throughout the United States for individuals who want to break free from repeating patterns in relationships. Our experienced psychologists specialize in attachment-based, trauma-informed care to help you build healthier connections. Interested in exploring your relationship patterns? Therapy can help you better understand your relationship patterns and break free from cycles that no longer serve you. Reach out to start your healing journey.

This article was written by Dr. Laura Riss, licensed psychologist and peer reviewed by Dr. Rebecca Leslie, licensed psychologist.

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